Scratched Realist

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I've been asked by a friend to write again because it has been a long long time. I told him that i'd look bad because my thoughts now are far too dangerous. Well, truth be told i am really a Cynic, but still i try to lay my alphabets as soft as my smile. Well, all is good. I'm doing pretty well i guess, Just a bit busy with getting a real Life. Speaking of Life and the lessons from it, I think really haven't learnt to be a Human Being. I really have not learned anything at all.

I've stumbled on a thought: 
Everything all goes to a point when you just really want to be alone and belong in the world at the same time.When you're just really tired of dealing with everything, Every single damned day. You just want to be left to a corner and think about being shallow. You just want to understand the universe more than the constellations.

Alone is very different from Lonely. Lonely is somewhat being not with those who could really understand you, Alone enjoys isolation. But it's still a misery to even co-exist with so much Attention seeking and Drama bombing personas. After those endless wailing they will not care about anyone but themselves thinking that they are special, because they are Hurt, Lonely and nobody could understand them. It's an endless whirlwind, A roller-coaster with no exits.It's like a Virus when you get infected by it, It leaves a mark, an experience you could never forget and it changes you. To a point that you will only think about yourself because you're scared to catch that virus again.

Yes, because of the said infection. Some are left indifferent, some selfish and the worst are the Drama queens.So why blurt bitterness and infect Sour and vile words?, It's hard to believe that we could create conflicts that could shatter the patience of monk. Unfortunately, Humans are a Self-destructing beings capable of not only killing others also themselves. That's why War and Seppuku/Kamikazee existed right?

No one is at fault of having someone wounded. Sometimes circumstances requires it to be done. We can't move on and live better if pain is not felt."How can we know joy. If we don't know pain?". But some can't handle that pain and inevitably Displace that aggression on to another person. i.e. Bullying, Harrassment and Anger towards another person.


And there are some that seems to handle others aggression, they would seem nice. But, when all else fails the one who could understand the Human Psyche is damned to be the Loser. I've seen the Idiosyncrasy an innately Good person can do, It is quite a malarkey . That is Humans for you. Everyone is, Innately Wholesome, Good and

Optimistic. At an early age is to be taught with Good morale, Politeness and to say "Thank You" as a part of the Virtue. Emotional understanding is also thought to be a sign of Intelligence as said to be the Emotional Quotient. Well, Theory relative to being Agreeable and positive about the world and the ecosystem.


It is but a simple equation, My Dear...

When one is Good and all of needs are met in equality one will think of being also good to all. But, when One has not met the needs in Maslow's theory, One is bound to slowly deteriorate and destroy others or a threat also to their own. But since, Humans is created from Love of the almighty. He will be torn by conscience but still has the freedom to do or think Evil. It's inscrutable to think why there are some that chose to make other miserable, if they have met the required needs.They will still think of malevolence towards others.From what i've seen. It is either to enlivened their dead pulse and resurrect themselves from their dull lives or simply just being a neurotic Psycho.

Can't we just behave in balance? Then, i realized that It is Normal for the son of adam and daughter of eve to have what we call Freewill. A very fine line from a Psychopath and Goodness. Let all that wasted energy be for once a result from a productive activity towards the greater good.


Charles saved my soul.
I guess, we have to figure out from ourselves on what should we really do. Not everyone has the understanding to do such great nobility.

 Charles, I don't know if you are a Genius or if you have clairvoyance but yes you have always been right.


Holy Cow

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For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16
A grumpy morning woke me as i had to pass up documents for me to get an invitation to an important event to our Church. I don't mind the process i had to do as long as i could go to that event. It has been a tradition. It is equal to the Holy Eucharist to the Roman Catholics, For us, it is called as Sta. Cena or Holy Supper in Spanish. A tradition where you are given bread and wine much like the representation of what Jesus did with his followers. The Bread as his Body and the Wine which symbolizes his blood. His whole soul he sacrificed to redeem us from our sins. 

In the Religion i am part of, this tradition is done once a year, To which one should not miss. As for me, i would not miss it for the world, with an event as important as this.

I bumped into the department where i had to pass those documents in order for me to have the right to attend the Holy Supper. Heaps of strict compliance rules are kept when it comes to these things. They believe that Earth's time is running out and God will descend from the heavens to save the righteous and vanquish the evil, typical belief in every holy group. I was asked questions inside the deparment like a criminal in an interrogation chair, and they would ask; "Are you active in our church?", "Do you know what group you are in?", Who is your group leader?" and a whole lot of questions that i am shamefully have no idea about. Don't get me wrong i am an active member but i am much of a busy little girl to know these information. All i know is to go to church, listen, pray and have faith in God. Turns out, there is more to that required to be called a true Christian, well according to "People".

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Romans 14:17
I don't have anything against any religion including mine. I am quite glad i was born into the christian world, one of the children of God. I listen to all of the teachings of everyone and open to all to learn truth. But in my own perspective things like these shouldn't be so uptight. Religions are man-made. God did not say that he has a specific favorite with his human creations. The Universe, Earth, Humans and Animals were created by the only one Creator. He did not say Humans should create a specific group then make our own rules and ostracize those who do not follow the "said" teachings of the Lord. Society have just exaggerated the real meaning of serving God with all these requirements and false worshiping  When you think about it sometimes, Religions separate us from the real spiritual guidance and focus more on who will be saved, we are divided, we become selfish. Everyone would think; "The other Religion is incorrect, We are the only people of God and the bible said do this and do that..." instead of saying "We are all people of  God in spite of our differences in beliefs. We are all his children."

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor Romans 12:10
Let's not make Religion a standard to have a spiritual sense of being, it's just for Guidance. Let's make it all about God. It's all about him anyway. We should worship Him not the group we are in. Do not make the difference in values be a wall to the brotherhood of every Human Being. We are not enemies,We should be united, We are brothers and children of the All Mighty Lord.

Sex and the City

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Sex and the City, the ever popular show for women of early 20's and above. About Love, Relationship, Friendship and Finding that empowered Goddess in you.  American television comedy-drama series, Created by Darren Star Set and filmed in New York City and based on the book of the same name by Candace Bushnell, the show follows the lives of a group of four women – three in their mid-thirties and one in her forties

I've heard of this show since i was 15 years old, I never had interest with thinking it would be some obscene show from HBO and again i was 15 i didn't know any better. and Yes because of the name i change the channel whenever the Reruns airs.

Recently this Fall of 2012 it aired on a cable channel since i am older now with an open mind to everything. My love for series may it be drama, sitcom, or cartoon made me try to watch Sex and the City. I watched it for an hour, and made me think. It ain't so bad, in fact it's better than i thought.

I love every character in the show Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda. Surviving in the island of infinite possibility and eluded of Love they showcase femininity at its best.


Carrie Bradshaw, a newspaper columnist in New York Star, author of Sex and the City. A smart, stylish and  club staple in New York, searches on how to find the one, on dating, and friendship she has tackled almost all the brightest and the worst out of dating. "Mr. Big" the love of her life that could not commit to her. With him she experienced to be not loved by the person she loves the most because of Mr. Big's somewhat soul-searching phase. At the end, they got  married and be a real couple. She found her "The One" with Mr. Big after some bumps and potholes.


Samantha Jones, the oldest among the four, a sexually-confident, empowered woman. She is famous in Public Relations, a big hot-shot in New York. Her confidence is what is alluring to her personality. With very brief relationships, she doesn't like to get attached with her flings. Samantha had a serious boyfriend once,  Jerry but broke up with him when he didn't had much time for her. She is very much a very good friend in her very quirky way she once said that "Friends are you soulmate, Boyfriends are for Sex."


Charlotte York, the optimist, always on the look for her "Happy Ever After." A perfectionist, straight A's student Working in an Art Museum. She is a woman still living in fairy tales and sugar coated movies but keeps on bumping in Frog Prince and Paupers'. She finally married her Prince Charming in Harry a Jewish, after getting divorced with Trey. 


 Miranda Hobbes, A career-minded lawyer with sometimes cynical views on relationships and men, She is a Harvard Law School graduate from Philadelphia with two siblings. Miranda is often seen as the practical voice of reason in the group. In the early seasons, she is portrayed as a bit masculine and borderline misandric, but this image softens somewhat over the years, particularly after she becomes pregnant and gives birth. Her storyline then explores the difficulties she faces as a single woman juggling a beloved but demanding career along with motherhood, dating, and relationships. During the series, she purchases a condo in the city's Upper West Side and later a home in Brooklyn. Steve, is Miranda's on-and-off boyfriend throughout the series after being introduced in the second season. He is one of the few men on the show meant to counterbalance all the emotionally unstable men encountered throughout the series, as he is a constant and sensitive male character.
"And there, in the same city where they met as girls, four New York women entered the next phase of their lives dressed head to toe in love. And that's the one label that never goes out of style."

Melancholy

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"Standing on the fringes of life offers a unique perspective, but there comes a time to see what it looks like from the dance floor --Stephen Chbosky"

Looking through the world is like watching
 a Free cable T.V. with Action, Drama, Sitcom and Romance.
 --Carizza
"Have you ever been around to redeem a sight of a withered soul?". Love it really changes you, A person  could get so messed up that they could think about taking a pill and leaving this insane, cold and cruel world. Of course, It wouldn't be the solution. Which of course is easy to say. It is easier said and done because the people who hasn't felt the break are more optimistic. "People who are not depressed see the world they want to see it. People who are depressed see the world the way it is."

A lot could say and judge that i don't know much. I admit that i'm still young and naive but who has that kind of wisdom right?, We all try to be the wiser one to those in need of it. Because at that very moment we see hope in our lives and we try to revive the helpless soul from their very eyes. 

Depression, episodes of all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem and loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. The term "depression" is ambiguous. A paralyzing state often used to denote this syndrome but may refer to other mood disorders or to lower mood states lacking clinical significance. Major depressive disorder is a disabling condition that affects a person's family, work or school life, sleeping and eating habits, and general health. It literally sucks the life out of you, It is an inevitable case that everyone has felt. The good thing though is that we could try avoid it, if you are tough enough to not feel or you should have wished your heart is made of stone.

"I was never insane, except upon 
occasions when my heart was touched.--
Edgar Allan Poe"
I've seen someone who has been through so much hurt that he's drinking his life away. It is both sad and depressing to see a result of hopelessness. The Belonging he longed and wished for never got to him. The worst part he doesn't believe in Trust, Hope and especially God anymore. I've told him once, "It is good to hold on to someone when everything is in oblivion, It is not bad to call Him.". But, he never wanted to try. He said that maybe he'll find his Angel someday that could retrieve him from his blackhole. I totally disagree with this guy. The thing is we have to redeem ourselves we can't be a "Damsel in Distress" all-the-time and think that there is someone out there that could mend those damages. "We have to be our own Saviour."

Some people needs love so much that they try to love again after being broken hoping they could find "The One" who could be their equal. But they end up being hurt again because of the so-called "Relationship Baggage", Resulting to more pain and suffering to the bearers. 




"Without Pain how could we know Joy.
 --The fault in the stars, John Green"
Love? so deep and meaningful yet so cruel and empty. But really, it's all just psychology. It's just hormones kicking in and messing with you. Think about it, Love? it's just this Stupid, Irrational, Insanity-driven, Screwed-up emotion. Things happen because it is meant to be that way and we have to accept because this is a world with no game console to control it with. All we could do is Pray to God and hope for a better Morning.
"Trust me, I am your personal Emotional SPONGE."

2013

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Celebrate the New Year with a Bang!

 I apologize for the long hiatus My dearies, I have been so busy with everything. The holidays have passed and i think it's  time for me to leave another mark on your mind. Plus, i needed inspiration to write about. But, need not worry i have so much to tell.
Look up, There's still hope.

 New hope for a New year. Isn't it great to start out again, hoping for the better every year.  2012 has been great and all, Like a roller coaster there has been ups and downs for everybody. I  have learnt so many things for the past 365 days, About Life and myself. It's still a continuous process that i will have everyday. As i have been so uptight about change, One thing that struck me that Change is part of our existence that cannot be bent.

2012, the year where everyone thought deluge and chaos was coming to this miserable grounds. Everyone was worried with this conclusion and tried to be a "Doomsday Prepper". As i see it, it is nice to see people be wary of their environment and try to save their future from the morbid end, but for me Zombie Apocalypse would be the coolest *wink*. 
New Year's Eve
It's just nice and funny at the same time to see humans acting like they know that they will survive something that is already written. Taking care of the environment and not to mention the mainstream movie. The fact that they have abused the blessed resources that was given by the Almighty. But enough of that, 2012 ran down  fast and little by little i realize that everything is not as it used to be. I grow old and things really have changed. I myself is guilty of that change, My ways, morals, art and perspective in everything.
"Keep calm and Take Photos, So Hipster." --Carizza
When i got off from my so-called prison, I thought of buying a camera to continue my neglected soul for Art.
I practiced but still an amateur though. I just want to capture the beauty of what i see and hope that someone will appreciate the still-photos.
"I can see beauty where other see ugliness that either makes me an artist, or a person of very poor taste."
I have a totally different view now compared to my perspective before. I could say that i have weird ideals, even i get weirded-out with myself. And it just gets weirder and weirder.


I actually don't know them
but they asked me to take their picture and put it on
 the internet, So here they go. Since it was the
New Year's Eve why not?.
To where i live now, there's always grasslands i step on. I always take the opportunity to just enjoy. Even though i miss my Hometown. 

 I've met a lady recently she would always have smile on her face. There was a time that she was just doing a simple, boring task my friend asked her "Why are you always smiling?". She said, "In everything that you do, You must be happy." Simple isn't it? yet very tough to do but she does this every single day.

 A bit homesick, still i am happy here. But the meadows for me are too calm now. And it won't take me to the change i'm looking for. There will always be a part of me that will always comeback to my favorite place in the world. I've bumped into a word Wanderlust: A contemporary German equivalent for the English word wanderlust, in the sense of "crave for travel", is Fernweh (literally meaning "an ache for distant places").

 I have come to a dream where i don't wish for the riches of the world. I now wish to be a Traveler  To live in enjoyment of travelling and diversing with different cultures. I just want to go and bump into something that means a lot.

Apparently, I got Bangs.
I decided back in 2012 since i'm getting a fresh start why not a fresh new look?. I got myself a full bangs, i wanted to be different. I don't want a simple, mainstream, overrated look. I want an eye-catching hairstyle. Hence, my k-pop inspired look was born. No one forced me to cut my hair i just really wanted to do it though i was scared that i'd look like a kid with a really really bad do. Well, it turned out fine. I'm planning to grow my hair long but still keep the bangs because it looks so damn different from others. It's like in just one glance you'd already know me.
Me, a little over  5 years ago. And yeah without the bangs. See the difference? 
"Like a typical little girl, I needed to match the color of my shoes to the color of my clothes."--Carizza
 I remember when i was grown up enough to be conscious of  how i look and act. Every Christmas parties, Theater Plays or just an event when i was in High school i always wanted to look like a Fashion magazine. Sadly, i was a teenager, no money and no knowledge about pulling off an outfit. I have and always will have a frustration towards fashion. It was my dream to be a Fashion-designer/ M.D. but dreams are dreams *sigh* though i still try to chase it. Lookbook.nu, I knew of this heavenly website from Cherry. LB.nu, is like a facebook of the fashionistas. This got me to be inspired and pump-up my affair with fashion. My kind of stress-reliever would be to put on something nice, it's also how i release my artsy-fartsy side and my weird taste.
"When i was kid, i just knew in my heart, I was born to soar high."--Carizza
The year where I've taken interest into Levitation. It's really nice that people recognize my works. I really appreciate the nice words and comments they gave every time i post a new photo. Levitation captured my inspiration because of the faux-flying effect. Everytime that i'm done with a photo it would really look like i'm flying. I like it so much that i really do want to do it every chance that i can get. It's just that i have to be careful with taking a watchful eye on my camera.

My Baby Girl
I am a dog-lover though ironically i should be afraid of dogs with the fact that i've been bitten once. And my mother just don't like dogs. I never had a chance to have a pet, a real pet. Not those, 50 cents chicks that you could buy from a vendor. This is Panda, my grandma's pet. I may not be her owner but i get to see her a lot and she likes me. My granny told me she has another breed of some sort but i don't think so. I'm gonna love her whatever she is.


Zara Adrianne
"Because i needed this more than she does."--Carizza
 Pretty isn't she?, Zara Adrianne my little cousin. The time has come that i pass down the crown for the princess role in the family. It's kind of exhausting being the only girl. For 21 years i'm always the center of attention and jokes. Now, i get even with my Aunt *evil laugh*. I really hope that she grows up soon so that we could play and so i get to teach her.

I've always wanted a tripod ever since i got my camera. But it wasn't that easy considering the fact that i've spent too much. I told myself i will just wait until i get a new source of pot of gold *wink*. Recently, i got some new friends because from the Review Center for my Licensure Exam. Danica, the miraculous friend that got my back. She gave me this wonderful piece of ornament for my camera. It was really unexpected but i was really glad that i have this and I Thank You. Now, i have a wider options for shooting and it's easier for me to do some shots like for LB and long-exposure shots.
"Cherry, You know i always got your back."--Carizza







Another gift that was totally unexpected. I met up with Cherry after a totally wasted and unproductive day. We had coffee and as expected talk. Poured her eyes to death because of *He-who-must-not-be-Named*. As a crybaby, the whole thing got to me. We were sobbing at Starbucks in front of a whole lot of people. I asked Cherry if i could have the stickers since she already has a Planner, She didn't answer me so i got the message that she didn't want to hand-it-out. When she got her coffee, she got a new a bag with the New Planner inside. To my shock, she handed it to me. I was really suprised, Like a Birthday Gift Suprise kind of Shock. I asked her if she was kidding or something she said "No" it was really for me. She said that it was for being a Good Friend. I was really embarrassed i didn't get anything for Cherry. Thank You not only for this but also for being a Great Friend.

Forever 21
 My 21st birthday came in like a bore. I didn't do anything at ALL. I was at home and nothing to do. It came in just like a normal day. Nothing special. Everyone was busy, it was alright for me. Sadly, some people greeted only those whom remembered. I didn't post my birthdate on Facebook that's why no one called. Honestly, i was sad at that day. However, I do understand that everyone is busy with their own lives that's why i got over it the day after.
I was scared, Now that i'm trying to accept change. I fought my fears away.
I am a B.S. Nursing Graduate from a small Chinese college. 2011 was really harsh that's why i didn't take my Licensure exam right away. It took me 3 consecutive envious Board Examination results and a year of tugging with Greed before i realized that i was sucking my life away. I took the Licensure Exam on December 2012, because it felt like i needed to settle an unfinished business with my degree. I took it because i felt i needed to go back because i rushed to be a working grown-up. I felt exhausted. I needed a long break. I was happy, refreshing my memories from the things i've known 5 years ago. It's like college all over again only with better information and another set of new friends. But, now i'm recharged and ready to be a Grown up again. Hopefully, since this time i didn't rush things i'd really be happy.
"Believe me, I'm just a Blogger-Wanna be"--Carizza
While i was in a long Break/ Meditation/ Retreat, i figured that i should write about the People and Things that gave me inspiration, the thoughts that made me learn and realize. Everyday is an opportunity for Learning, when i was a kid i thought after college i'd get rid of all of the Math books and be on my way to work or something and just enjoy living without MATH. It made me think that even after getting a degree it's not an excuse to stop being a student. We are always a student. I take that chances everyday and just write about it. It's not always about the hard equations. It's about bigger than that.
2012 was really fast. It was like just a snap of a finger. It's another year, another 365 days, another revolution of the Earth. Be hopeful and put a crossed-finger it what would keep us sane. And be ready for the phrase, "2013, Please be Good to me." *hahaha*

Desensitization

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Have you heard of Systematic Desensitization?

 One glorious morning, Another getaway was planned with my beloved friends. To go to a breezy and soothing Paradiso. We just intended to chill out in a coffee shop, I also planned to shoot some photos for LB.nu and look for something refreshing in my eyes. Realizations hit me as i look past through a majestic sight of Taal Volcano. I am horrified with my emotions. My friend told me that straight to my face. I am emotionally unstable because of my calm-nature. Honestly, i am a Pacifist as I've observed, i don't like troubles, arguments and confrontation. Though, sometimes i get a little cranky like a living, breathing, walking time bomb. I know that i keep all of those emotion to myself, I've learnt how to keep it just to myself so that no one could ever read me. But, keeping those could be a burden like a big lump on your throat and all you want to do is shout and kick somebody's arse.
"Remember what you are after is to Learn." --Jeremiah King
This is how i keep myself from getting into extremes. I am frighten to lose myself over little, stupid and irrational behavior. But over little a year ago, i somehow thought that this burden is not healthy. Hence, this blog was born. I still keep a bit for myself, but, i put in all my opinion and heart into this little page on the internet.
"I'm just remembering one of the biggest lesson in my life, so that i won't lose control." --Jeremiah King

 I've been afraid of what People and Life could do to me that's why i preserve all my thoughts and conserve those conscious mental reaction in my own little world. Phobia and Trust issues, are the reason why i'm such a scaredy-cat and my only way out is to Avoid.
Fight or Flight.
Specific phobias are often treated via Systematic Desensitization. When persons experience such phobias (for example fears of heights, dogs, snakes, closed spaces, etc.), they tend to avoid the feared stimuli; this avoidance, in turn, can temporarily reduce anxiety but is not necessarily an adaptive way of coping with it. In this regard, Avoidance behaviors can become reinforced -a concept defined by the tenets of operant conditioning. Being avoidant is not entirely Good nor Bad. In a way, it is something that we could turn to when we don't have a choice. Wrong turns on the other hand, could lead to Ostracism and Social isolation.

"You can't create a Perfect world, Izza." --Jeremiah King
I don't want to grow old full of regrets because i did not do anything to be risky. To live a full life is to make wrong decisions and learn from it to be successful.  No one can create a Perfect world.

 I do not prefer to live in mediocrity, but, to what i've been used to is not so bad. I am in the process of change. To Face my Fears. 

 I've recently had a conversation to my good friend Jeremiah. If Plato had Socrates, Mine was Jeremiah like my own tuition-free Philosophy Teacher. A rational, critical-thinking human, a good friend, and the worst when it comes to matters of bitterness. *haha* but, he's still a great friend.
"I get your point, but if you already know what will happen or how it is going to end, Why not take the chances?" --Jeremiah King
A photo taken on a busy highways of Tagaytay. We were so eager to make this Levitation and to take an exciting, exhilarating picture. It was really something, Facing danger on another level, To experience something you are not sure whether we would be hit by a car or hit by a bus. *haha* Thank you Hanna and Nikki, for giving into my whims.
"You can do whatever you want...on an empty canvas." --Jeremiah King.

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